I think adoption is a bit like a marriage; on the day that the ‘vows’ are made, adoptive parents cannot conceive of the possibility that this relationship won’t work, that there will come a time when they admit that the relationship has irretrievably broken down.
And yet, rather like the rise in divorce, adoption breakdowns are happening with greater frequency (more than 1000 adopted children in the UK reported to have returned to care in the past five years – but the true number is likely to be considerably greater as only a third of authorities collect this data as standard practice).
I wonder how many of you listened to ‘File on 4 Investigates – Adoption: The Blame Game’ that was aired at the beginning of December, 2025, on Radio 4? The stories recounted by adoptive parents made for harrowing listening – tales of threats and violent assaults by their children, with virtually no post-adoption support available and the threat of prosecution for child abandonment if they tried to return a child to care.
Understanding the impact of early adversity
If young children living in birth families present with severe behavioural issues when they start school, for example, it is usually assumed that the parenting they are receiving is in some way inadequate – and referrals may be made for the parents and/or their children to access help and support. But if, after living in that inadequate birth family for any length of time, a child is adopted, psychologists are clear that the behaviours they exhibit are most likely to have their origins in their earlier adverse experiences.
Interestingly, the evidence presented by adoptive parents would suggest that this is not a truth as universally acknowledged as one might expect. Lots of adopters said that their repeated requests for help to social workers were sometimes seen as reflections of their own poor parenting, rather than the understandable fall-out from their son or daughter’s early toxic stress and trauma.
When support becomes blame
In the Radio 4 documentary, Verity and Ian, who adopted a little boy when he was two-and-a-half from a family where there had been significant domestic violence, were sent on seven parenting courses during his childhood as he acted out in their family with increasing violence. Verity stated that it was clear that they were seen as responsible in some way for his physical aggression – and if they could just improve their parenting skills all would be well.
This culture of shame and blame, with adopters being held accountable for complex behaviours far beyond their ability to manage, is doubtless a major factor in the drop in people coming forward to adopt a child.
The reality adoptive families often face
Parents described a lack of information at the outset of the adoption process and only later finding out that their child had suffered significant early trauma in their birth family, resulting in devastating emotional impairments and behaviours.
When early adversity is acknowledged – often as a result of the parents’ detective work – instead of receiving the emotionally life-saving therapeutic support, parents often faced criticism and judgment. One adoptive mum commented, ‘There’s a perception that once a child is adopted, they’ll live happily ever after, and there is no platform for complaint or to even have your voice heard.’
The situation has now been exacerbated by the government’s decision in April 2025 to implement a 40% cut in the funding available per child from the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund (a fund set up to provide specialist support for traumatised children and young adults).
Why therapeutic support matters
Post-adoption therapeutic support is essential for those families with traumatised children whose brains are wired for survival rather than contented family life; experienced therapists can help children to process and discharge their trauma and support them in developing a secure attachment to their new parents.
There are also adoption specialists who work with the parents, training them to comprehend the impact of trauma, to avoid self-blame, and helping them to build a therapeutic toolkit to manage complex behaviours that they couldn’t have imagined happening – and promote the idea of compassionate self-care as a way of surviving and thriving the journey that they make with their children.
Why trauma-informed training matters for adopters too
What has been pre-occupying us at Flourish is what emerged from the research carried out by the File on 4 programme team – that social workers and adopters are not being afforded the same level of trauma-informed training as we deliver to foster carers.
It is naïve, ill-informed and may be downright dangerous to claim that adopters are the ones primarily responsible for the acting out of their children.
At Flourish we have training programmes which will help adopters on their journey of being more trauma-informed – and at the same time develop a therapeutic toolkit to equip them to better process the burden of toxic stress that their children carry.
