How many foster carers look forward to the summer holidays? How many children – in or out of the care system – struggle with the challenge of six weeks’ holiday without the structure and stimulus that the school day provides?
Your own birth children will tell you they are bored and have nothing to do – but, left to their own devices and with whatever resources are around, they will usually find something to occupy themselves.
But unless you are prepared to offer 24-hour access to Grand Theft Auto or Fortnite, your foster child may well struggle with boredom. You can probably pick up that there is an urgency about their need for you to fix their boredom. I think this has a lot to do with their fear of being abandoned (again!), which propels them to that place where they are flooded with the anxiety of their own thoughts.
You and I may feel a tad hesitant about engaging with our internal world – not always a comfortable experience – but that is a pale reflection of the fear that overwhelms some of our foster children at the prospect of being left alone with their own thoughts. (Isn’t this also one of the key factors in the poor mental health of the prison population? They have far too much time to think about the past and the injustices of their history.)
With that in mind, foster carers might find it helpful to remember that the holidays can provide wonderful opportunities for deepening the relationship with their children. As a foster parent, I quickly realised that July was the busiest month for Children’s Services (matched only by December – the daunting prospect of Christmas on teetering families!). It happened several times that a new young person joined our family in July, just as the school holidays were starting. Initially, the temptation would be to come up with a packed itinerary of activities – the summer camp at the local leisure centre for a big chunk of the day, followed by swimming or some crafty/cookery activities thereafter.
However, as we observed and connected with our newcomer, we realised that their need was more to do with pressing the PAUSE button and giving their brains time to reset after whatever bumpy life journey they had just been on. Even children who had been with us for a while were exhausted by the end of the summer term; having to conform to the classroom layout, fixed timetable, and school expectations left them tired and irritable, while also providing them with safety and structure (so they had time and headspace to be tired and irritable!).
Pressing the PAUSE button doesn’t mean leaving them on their Xbox for hours on end or letting them spend ages scrolling their TikTok feeds. It does mean recognising that summer holidays are a window of opportunity to further engage in promoting a secure attachment with any child or young person, irrespective of age.
A friend of mine has used the hot weather to coax her older foster children into a paddling pool to cool down, and then offered foot and hand massages to them. Initially a bit embarrassed and giggly, they then enjoyed it and didn’t want it to stop. She recalled doing this with a younger foster child some years ago and how the little bones in her feet had made cracking sounds as she gently massaged feet that had been squeezed into shoes far too small – and the incredible relief the child had experienced. Research shows that such physical connection promotes attachment.
The summer’s chunk of time without the demands of the school routine does allow for a young person’s unmet baby needs to surface – and be met. Challenging adolescents in the care system may never have experienced unconditional regard – that sense of being loved irrespective of their behaviour – so to have someone tune into their likes and dislikes, offering to cook a favourite meal or bake a special cake, can be momentous. And if they are allowed to retreat to their digital gizmos in this heat, take them a cold drink or iced lolly up to their bedrooms – let them know they are being held in mind. This meets their need for nurture, and there is more time for these indulgences during school holidays. Enjoy!
